Retrobabble #4: Nintenfamy By Jeremy Parish

Welcome back, my friends (etc.). You've joined our program just in time to watch me struggle with a shameful realization: the only games I have on preorder right now are Mega Man compilations and a remake of Metroid. I do play current games, yer honor, really I do. Just, uh, not often, I guess.

Well. Let's look forward for a moment, shall we? The big gaming news this week was Nintendo's utterly left-field announcement of a new system called the DS. While not directly related to this here classic gaming thing -- in fact, the company has already confirmed that all software will have to be designed from the ground up to make use of the dual-screen device -- it does put me in mind of some precedents. After all, several of the old Nintendo Game+Watch handhelds featured dual LCD screens, and the Punch-Out!! arcade game had a second monitor dedicated to status information. Then there was the PlayChoice 10, although admittedly the second monitor on that was only used to indicate how soon you'd have to plunk in another quarter if you wanted to keep playing The Goonies. But there's an even greater precedent at work here: Nintendo's history of doing things that make people step back, scratch their heads in puzzlement and say, "Wha--?"

I'm actually looking forward to trying the DS. I don't know that it's necessary, really, but at least it will be interesting. My only real complaint is that the screens are stacked rather than side-by-side. I was sort of hoping for a perfect handheld conversion of Darius, or maybe Ninja Warriors.

Still, there's no denying it's a complete head-scratcher. In honor of the Nintendo DS, I've put today's intended column (an outsider's look at the exciting world of European alternatives to Nintendo's 8-bit hegemony) on hold until next time. Instead, this week's musings are dedicated to Nintendo's impressive history of completely wacky hardware. It is, of course, completely impossible to say whether the DS will be a revolutionary success or a forehead-slapping flop, but one thing is absolutely certain: it upholds Nintendo's ancient tradition of releasing hardware that makes you pause and ask, "What are they thinking?"

Not that Nintendo's the only company responsible for nutty hardware -- it's simply their day under the microscope. The 32X and Nuon will have their turn as well... just you wait. I've rated each of these products according to three categories:

SID (Support Index): how well Nintendo actually supported the product. LCI (Lifespan-to-Cost Index): how much it cost compared to how long it was given life support. WTF (What The!? Factor): the more bizarre and unconventional the item, the higher the number. R.O.B.: Robot Operating Buddy Nintendo's first major entry into the gaming hardware market was the Famicom/NES. They had dabbled in odds and ends before that: mostly in the arcades, and the Game+Watch was of no small importance seeing as it was effectively an embryonic GameBoy. While the Famicom had a pretty easy time of things over in Japan (the only major competition was Atari's 2600, which had been half-heartedly marketed), the American gaming market was a hard sell in 1985. To convince corporate buyers that they should order lots and lots of Nintendo Entertainment Systems, Nintendo had to pretend that it was a toy rather than a video game. And those weren't cartridges, they were, uh, "Game Paks." Wink wink. But the key component of their strategy was R.O.B., the Robot Operating Buddy with a chillingly apropos acronym.

R.O.B. didn't really do much -- mainly he scanned the screen and slowly rotated, occasionally picking up gyros which clumsily interacted with the game Gyromite. And he collected dust heroically once gamers realized he was painfully lame. But he tricked naive corporate buyers to buying the NES and spreading it across America in its viral fashion.

SID: 0/5. Nintendo gave us a whopping two games for R.O.B., both of which were actually more fun without the peripheral. CLU: 2/5. Not much use for gaming, but he made for a pretty handy evil robot overlord to threaten your G.I. Joes. Meanwhile, the Jaguar CD looked like a toilet bowl. Score one for Nintendo. WTF: 4/5. Sure, he looked charming and makes a nice iconic image for NES nostalgia, but did anyone over the age of four actually think, "Bitchin'! I can't wait to play with this bad boy!" (Hint: no.)

Power Pad Like R.O.B., the Power Pad was a Trojan Horse intended to sneak the NES into the households of parents who were concerned that a steady diet of "Ice Cream Cones" cereal, video games and Thundercats was creating a generation of little fatties. Nintendo couldn't do anything about Thundercats, but they did pretend to care about our nation's growing youth waist measurements. The Power Pad was their answer to child obesity: a big vinyl mat which allowed players to "exercise" while playing video games. In truth it just made kids work a little harder for the button-mashing events in games like Track 'N' Field, and probably did little to fix up America's average fitness level. But does it matter? Some of the best DDR players I've seen have been twice my size. Big is beautiful, America!

SID: 1/5. Not too many games (two, I think) were released specifically for the Power Pad, and they tended toward "lame." But the device was theoretically compatible with the entire NES library. Who didn't want to play Dragon Warrior by carefully stepping out the menu commands? CLU: 2/5. Again, this was a pack-in with the console necessary for sneaking an NES into certain households. And after spending a few minutes working up a light sweat, most gamers found the Power Pad made a comfy place to sit while playing with a standard controller. WTF: 3/5. Why yes, I'd love to play Super Mario Bros. by flailing about like an idiot. Thanks for asking.

Super Scope Like R.O.B., the Zapper light gun was a crucial component of sneaking the NES past the defenses of America's cruel retail establishment. Unlike R.O.B., the Zapper actually had a pretty decent amount of software support, ranging from the classic Duck Hunt to the bizarre Gumshoe. When Nintendo went 16-bit, however, light guns didn't fare quite as well. The Super Scope 6, despite being the size and shape of a small bazooka, was treated to a whopping four pieces of first-party software. Which is twice as much as R.O.B., but still a lot less than a good value.

SID: 2/5. Five times the size of the Zapper, with a fraction of the software. This is known as "disproportionate." CLU: 1/5. Clumsy and huge, it was kind of maybe useful for playing real-life war games, if you didn't mind fighting commies with a tube of pastel grey plastic. WTF: 3/5. A light gun? Sure! A giant light gun with practically no games? Pass.

CDi Technically, Nintendo didn't create the CDi, but they were largely responsible for its existence. After all, they're the ones who bailed on their plan with Sony to create a Super NES CD-ROM add-on. And they're the ones who forged a deal with Philips to create this misbegotten, overpriced "infotainment" device. And they're the ones who licensed their beloved Zelda series to be mauled with really awful third-party games.

SID: -3/5. CDi was built largely around educational software, and was (as they say in the old country) piss-poor as a gaming rig. But this score dips into the negative thanks to the abysmal Wand of Gamelan and Zelda's Adventure, the absolute worst games to bear the Zelda name. Ever. I don't care if you don't like Zelda II -- these were way worse. The Zelda Game+Watch was a better use of technology than these dogs. CLU: 0/5. For the price of about 4 or 5 new Super NES systems, you got a set-top box with awful software and an uncomfortable controller. But it had a CD-ROM! WTF: 4/5. The mid-90s were a time of great confusion and turmoil in the gaming industry, but even then it should have been clear that the CDi really wasn't the answer.

Virtual Boy Virtual Boy is an infamous chapter of Nintendo's history. Launched in the gap between the fall of the Super NES and the constantly delayed launch of the N64, VB was a half-baked effort to bring home a virtual reality headset. The graphics were monochromatic red and black, lending the system a visual effect that suggested a GameBoy had been possessed by Satan. The price was painfully high -- more than twice that of a contemporary GameBoy, and nearly as much as the soon-to-arrive Nintendo 64. It had a small library of decent (but not great) games. It was, in effect, an entire product line built around a technological gimmick that no one really wanted.

Worst of all, the VB's 3D graphic technology developed a reputation for causing headaches in many players. Personally, I can't even play Virtual Boy; I was amblyopic as a child and to this day my left eye is basically a very pretty bundle of meat with a sophisticated pivot mechanism. I don't have stereo vision, and playing VB is a lot like trying to complete a novel by reading its reflection in a pane of glass. The system was such a monumental flop that the inventor -- the esteemed Gumpei Yokoi, creator of Metroid, Game+Watch and GameBoy -- left Nintendo in shame and established his own company. People have been quick to dub the upcoming Nintendo DS the next Virtual Boy, but good lord -- have some perspective, people. Nothing could be that bad, unless Nintendo has somehow perfected the technology to allow a console to rasp your skin with a cheese grater and dump you in a saltwater bath.

SID: 5/5. The Virtual Boy certainly didn't fail for lack of Nintendo's efforts (it failed because it was a bad idea). In fact, pretty much all the software for it -- roughly two dozen games -- was first-party. Yeah, that's right. Virtual Boy had better first-party support in its first year than the N64. It's an ugly truth. CLU: 3/5. Assuming you didn't fall over clutching your skull in agony from playing VB games, there were actually a few decent titles on it. Wario was typically wonderful and bizarre, and the sports games were pretty solid. WTF: 5/5. A portable system that wasn't portable? A 32-bit device with monochrome graphics? GREAT PLAN GUYS

64DD Pity the poor 64DD -- it was probably doomed from the moment of conception. Touted from before the N64's launch as a perfect, inexpensive expansion system for the company's 64-bit console, the 64DD lagged about in development limbo until it was finally canned for U.S. release. The add-on did see life in Japan, presumably as a desperate bid by the company to recoup at least a portion of its development costs, but it did so in a terribly limited capacity. A mere handful of titles were released for it, one of which was just an add-on for F-Zero X. The only worthwhile games -- Animal Forest (aka Animal Crossing) and Doujin the Giant -- were remade for the GameCube.

In theory, the 64DD could have been great. Based on technology similar to Iomega's Zip Drive (though hopefully less susceptible to the Click of Death), the 64DD would have offered an affordable and completely rewritable alternative to the console's expensive silicon carts. Some of the promised software, particularly the ambitious Mother 64, promised amazing potential for innovation and play depth. But the price of cartridges came down, ROM sizes grew (Ogre Battle 64 featured twice the 64DD's capacity), and the N64 foundered at retail. Of all of these wacky Nintendo inventions, this is the one that really deserved better. A moment of silence.

...

OK, now on to the sarcasm.

SID: 1/5. A few forgettable bits of nothing: not exactly impressive. CLU: 2/5. This could go as high as a 3 if you're really, really into F-Zero. Otherwise, you're better off with a good hearty nap. WTF: 2/5. It seemed like a decent enough idea, and even had a predecessor in the Famicom Disk System. Too bad it completely bombed out.

GBA-to-GC link cable Nintendo has a dream. Like Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream, theirs is a vision of children of every race, gender and creed sitting together in peace and cooperation. Except that in Nintendo's version, they all have GameBoy Advances plugged into all four ports of a GameCube, a copy of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles chugging away in the media drive. It's a nice enough dream, and it certainly seems more appealing than a bunch of black-clad teen boys sitting in their dark bedrooms screaming "I GOT U FAGIT LOL" over XBox Live (with the most annoying voice filter possible, of course). But come on, do we really need connectivity in every game? Sometimes it's nice to be anti-social.

SID: 3/5. A few games support the link and make smart use of it -- Pac-Man Vs. in particular. But some of the uses are just an arbitrary sales gimmick, like the Metroid Prime/Fusion link unlockables. CLU: 5/5. It's cheap, assuming you already own a GBA and GameCube. Of course, you have to buy the games separately... WTF: 3/5. Connectivity? Not a bad idea. But was it really a good idea to make it the focus of E3 2003?

eReader Handy little GBA add-on or nefarious plot to drain children of their money? Well, come on, we're dealing with a videogame hardware manufacturer here -- of course they're out for money. The eReader is an impressively shameless effort, though. On its own, it's completely useless; to eke any enjoyment out of it, you have to buy trading cards which can be scanned in the eReader and used in combination with a GBA, GameCube, and frequently some additional hardware. It's a definite racket, but Nintendo has actually pulled it off pretty well by making the benefits somewhat appealing. eReader cards can contain entire NES games, which can be played (with somewhat squashed visuals) on GameBoy Advance or the GameCube Player, or they can enhance other games with bonus features. The most impressive of these are the extra levels and power-ups available for Super Mario Advance 4 -- because they use existing game assets, the card-created levels are potentially limitless recombinations of the game's elements. Alas, the coolness factor is somewhat hampered by the fact that you need two GBAs in order to make use of that feature. But that's what connectivity is all about, right?

SID: 5/5. Crazy! Nintendo's actually been releasing a steady stream of cards. At several bucks a pop for a few simple pieces glossy card stock... ah, it all makes sense now. CLU: 1/5. Let's see... the eReader is $40, the cards are between $3-5 a set, and of course you need a GameBoy Advance and a GameCube. Not to mention the assorted games that the add-ons go with: Animal Crossing, Mario Party, Mario Advance 4, etc. And in return you get... what? Stuff that could have been included for free as built-in unlockables? Argh. WTF: 1/5. Not bad, really, but I am pretty annoyed that Nintendo looks to be bringing out all those NES games as actual GBA carts now. Those card sets cost me five bucks apiece, you rats! I want a refund.

Hopefully the DS will avoid joining this little Walk of Infamy by being both completely rad and totally sweet. I guess we'll find out at E3. In the meantime, drop me a line to share more of your classic gaming-related thoughts. Or just vent about the DS and other oddball Nintendo hardware. You'll find exciting responses in next week's letter column. It'll be fun! (Note: the opinion expressed in the preceeding sentence belongs to the author. 1UP.com makes no guarantee of the presence of "fun" within its features.) Previous Retrobabbles: One | Two | Three

Copyright © 2004 Ziff Davis Media Inc. All Rights Reserved. Originally appearing in 1UP.