PC Mailbag for December 8, 2003Ivan Sulic
Bumps in a man's pants, got what I need, Oz, and still more...
You Will Die
HELLO I AM WRITING TO TELL YOU HOW PUT OUT I AM WITH ISSUE 76 PAGE 99 MY 10 YEAR OLD SAW THE BIG BUMPS ON THE FRONT OF THE MANS PANTS AND WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THEY WERE, I DONT FEEL THIS SHOULD BE IN YOUR MAGAZINE. I AM GOING TO CONTACT THE ATTORNEY GENERALS OFFICE TO SEE IF THEY CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS,I THINK YOU SHOULD INVESTIGATE YOUR PICTURES BEFORE YOU PRINT THEM,IT IS VERY OFFENSIVE,
Your ally is known to us all too well. Having the Dark Lord Attorney General in your liege allows you to wield a great deal of power, but we too have powerful allies! Perhaps you've heard of the Attorney General's arch nemesis, Chief Moses. He commands a vast army of genetically engineered super powered warriors capable of flight. Your Dark Lord will be no match for his ruthless seraphim and intense fish creating powers. I know for a fact that in a punching contest, Chief Moses will defeat even a foe as vicious and cunning as the Attorney General for he was taught by the greatest fighter of all Jesus "The Hammer Fist" of Nazareth. And he will fight for us. His ear is ours because we bribe him with burnt offerings, free massively multiplayer RPG accounts, and meaty steaks.
You go ahead and contact the Attorney General. I strongly suggest you be as eloquent as you have been with me. I have faith that he will respond promptly and order you to burn your computer and possibly yourself.
Who would have thought enlarged testicles would elicit such hostility? I sure am glad they decided to pull that image of a shaved leprous goat with three legs arm wrestling a naked fat girl with one giant breast. Man, that would have been trouble. If a covered, well endowed man can garner such discontent I can only imagine what Lauren One Boob vs. Master Goat would have done.
-- Ivan "Deez Nuts" Sulic
in one of our posts you asked for several things I have. porn full
length movies in divx or xvid codec might have some svcd you can play on a regular dvd player but the divx and esecially the xvid with ac3 on a regulsr 700 mb cd if the movies are longer than that they bump up the
quality almost double to get a more refined wide screen experience. I
also have personally over 400 regular movies from the past year. Also
every pc game that I thought I would like. I have like 120 and at least
50 I ahve not tried. Just so you know I have up to date software for way cheap.
get back to me if you get this soon. nI check that e-mail once a day or
two sometimes :0
I have no idea what you are talking about. Nevertheless, without even having exact knowledge of the extent of your perverted collection of adult materials, I can say with supreme confidence that my own vast library of adult films is far more comprehensive than yours will ever be. Adult DVD Explorer buys off of me. I am the wholesaler. Secondly, you think you can sell me stolen goods? Me? Dude, are you freaking crazy? I'm not lazy. I can steal my own porn.
You laughed, you loved, you waited in hiding. Bless me dark father I have sinned, I've done it before and I'll do it again, cuz it keeps me warm and makes you smile. You've been beneath me all the while... Hell yes!
Let's Dement the Hell out of Everything
Ivan, I have something I desperately need you to do (It's not my laundry... although it would be very nice of you if you did that too).
You see, I've been playing through American McGee's Alice for the millionth time (Okay, might be closer to 6th or 7th time...), and I am so anxious to play American McGee's Oz... unfortunately no one knows anything about it.
So, what I need you to do for me, is get some information on the game. It would be preferred that you use the most violent methods possible to infiltrate and secure this information. (I'm thinking a combination of dual pistols and strong language)
It's not like asking politely would work, anyway... right?
So, uh, if you could get some information, that would be great.
A doable request. I'll kick someone in the back tomorrow to wrangle up some real Oz information. Last I heard...Well, last I heard was way too long ago. I'll not even try and lie my way through this one.
According to the official Rogue website (American's development house), the company is now focused on delivering only the finest hops and barely through their president, the "Brew Dog." It seems there has been a drastic change for Mr. McGee. I wonder if Brew Dog usurped his authority, or if this is simply a natural evolution of the company, since in our industry it is not uncommon for a games developer to move away from developing third-person action titles and move toward developing only the finest hops and barely under the tyrannical rule of a drunken animal known only as the Brew Dog.
Actually, American's now at Carbon 6, where Oz development continues free from the lash of Brew Dog, despite the lack of a publisher. Here's the official word straight from someone who's not Brew Dog:
In the time before the known adventures, the Land of Oz was an ominous world full of war and destruction. Battles raged between the races for so long, most could not recall how they had begun.
Only a few knew the truth.
Wizard's magic incinerated and laid waste to Munchkin towns. Powerful spells murdered and maimed their inhabitants by the thousands. The Munchkins retaliated by building armies of horrific steam powered war machines. With these they leveled the Wizard's castles and made into scorched earth huge swaths of Oz for as far as the eye could see. Even the Witches, the once noble and kind rulers of Oz, returned to the Old Magic and joined in the battles. Their powers split the skin of the Land itself, swallowing up huge armies at the wave of a hand.
Knowing that the great battle would eventually lead to the destruction of all Oz, the rulers of the Realm of Night sent for a messiah who would lead the Races out of their blood lust. From the land of Man a savior was called for by way of the Dream Realm. And into their world he came to finally end all that had gone before.
Man was made Wizard and this is his story.
Holy crap. I couldn't have written that better if I tried. "The Munchkins retaliated" is possibly the greatest line ever used in a game description. Oh yes, it is very real. Want more?
American McGee puts his signature touch on another classic children's tale. This time the Lands of Oz are visited in a prequel adventure to the original books that will take you on a colorful journey through a unique world filled with dozens of interesting characters and stories.
"Oz offers a diverse world and large range of characters to explore and meet." said American from his Hollywood design studio, "I'm really excited to be working with such rich material and amazing technology." Oz is being produced for the Microsoft Xbox and PC and is scheduled for release some time in 2004. The Oz soundtrack is being produced by Media Ventures. A line of Oz toys will be hitting store shelves soon. A book and film deal are to be announced.
For reference, here are some of Todd McFarlane's own Oz interpretations. They two are totally crazy. I'm especially fond of the Munchkin who rides atop the other Munchkin in the set about branding a bonded Dorothy. Being a Munchkin can't be fun. But, what if you were the Munchkin used as a horse by other Munchkins? Now you've really sank.
Stuck with the Bad
It's a pity that you seemed to have drawn the short straw this time around, and had to review 2 utterly crap games, but, hey...at least you let us all know about em, hehe. I LOVE how you just absolutly BRUTALIZED those games...they brought a smile to my face and a more than quiet chuckle to my day. I would say that ZD(or whomever it is that gives you games to review) should quit giving you crap games...but then, where would we be without our laughs at your brutal jackalizations of them? ;)
Either way...keep up the good work/jacakalization :)
No, no, no, no, no. I love to review crappy games. I'm a genuinely evil person, so being provided the opportunity to berate what I hate means being afforded the opportunity to strut my evilness through the use of the written word. This frees the spirit but also makes my life a lot easier. I find myself lying less, hating more, and generally smiling a whole lot (the terrible kind of grin that frightens most children). And, since hurting others gives me great pleasure, I leave work genuinely satisfied with my day's output. Don't pity me.
Till Next Time
Well folks... So IGN and GameSpy finally merged. In celebration, I plan on not caring a whole bunch and then quickly following that up with a little Saturday poker, which I cannot wait for. Texas Hold 'Em, you see, has completely devoured my entire life for the better part of two years now. I never stop thinking about it...ever. I think about it when other boys my age are consumed with sex and girls. And, when I find myself being literally consumed by sexual girls, I still think about it and its tantalizing flops, horrifying turns and deadly rivers. I read imaginary aggressive players in my head, I lose bluffs, I dream up freeze out tourneys, and I envision myself conquering the world with a 7 / 4 off suit when the Consumer Electronics Show hits Las Vegas this January.
Last time I strolled into the land of decadence, posturing, and ill fate I sat comfortably at a 2 / 4 table for three hours, walked away a few hundred dollars richer, went to a viciously obscene and moral free strip club, came back as the sun rose, sat at the same table with nearly the same group of foul losers, and once again left a few hundred dollars richer. Yeah, someone actually thought it would be a good idea to send me back to Vegas on a business trip. Free drinks + Hold 'Em + Unscrupulous Naked Girls + Ivan = Oops.
If you're planning on showing at CES, look me up at Binion's for a serious game, or just find me at the Mirage matching no limit nuggets and teaching tourists the meaning of acorns in the pocket. Beware the unicorn, I'll say.
-- Ivan "Deez Nuts" Sulic
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12/03/03 | 12/02/03 | 12/01/03 |
Copyright © 2003 Ziff Davis Media Inc. All Rights Reserved. Originally appearing in 1UP.