Dying via needler, the shard-spitting wimpiest weapon in Halo 2, is like being tickled to death—only more embarrassing. And it was happening to me, EGM’s lowly intern, at the hands my boss, Editor-in-Chief Dan “Shoe” Hsu. We were in the first round of a three-map challenge in the Xbox’s blockbuster online first-person shooter. It goes by in a flash. Shoe wins 25-12. The second map—a 25-6 defeat—is more humiliating. For the final round, I get feistier and lose by only seven points, reclaiming some of my manhood, so I don’t feel like I need to sit down to pee after the match.

We weren’t playing for fun or to satisfy Shoe’s sadistic streak. This one-sided mini-tourney was an experiment—a trial of the latest profession to hit the industry: videogame coaching. This budding industry is starting with the popular Halo 2 but will soon offer training in other games, such as Super Smash Brothers Melee and Tekken 5. We’ve established that I suck at Halo 2—at least against a seasoned player who once even beat the guys who made the damn game. With my rematch with Shoe looming, it was time to see if this coaching thing could work for me.

Taking the short bus to Halo 2 school

This is where Tom Taylor comes in. He’s one of the rising stars in the Halo 2 world and leading the charge for one of the first console videogame coaching sites: gaming-lessons.com. “I’ve given lessons to people who [are] looking to go to tournaments or people who are just looking to brag to friends,” Taylor says, adding that he guarantees I’ll beat Shoe after my training session. He’s gotten offers from gamers in Europe and Australia for some schooling—his rate: $40 for a one-hour session—but today he’ll be training a simple guy who just wants to beat his boss once.

I log on to Xbox Live for our first training session; all such sessions are done over the Net—I never actually meet Taylor in person. We do a quick match so he can see what level I’m at. In the first 30 seconds, I accidentally jump off the map...twice. “Uh, this isn’t a good sign,” Taylor tells me. Final score: 25 to negative 2. I would’ve done better if I had just put down my controller. But Taylor’s a pro and goes over the basics with me from strafing to quick reloading. “It’s all about having good strat,” or strategy, Taylor emphasizes. He offers advice on which weapons to go after and where to station myself. But I feel like I still have a long way to go.

I move on to my second lesson, this one with 14-year-old Bonnie Burton, one of the elite girl gamers in Halo 2. Burton gives me some more much-needed strategy, then gives me all the power weapons to see how long I can “control the map.” I station myself on a sniping tower and scan the horizon. After a minute, she whispers, “Look behind you,” and I see her Master Chief ninja standing behind me. I need more practice.

So I decided to play some 1-on-1 against a professional player that I thought would be more my speed. He dices me with his favorite weapon, the plasma sword. I don’t register a single kill and try not to notice that this pro is, in fact, 7 years old. It’s not easy; Victor DeLeon III, the youngest Halo 2 pro player, keeps giggling in his helium-high youthful voice after each kill. I had to phone his dad to set up a time for some coaching, but it all feels less like a training exercise and more like a playdate. I face Shoe for a rematch tomorrow and ask the little kid for some advice anyway. “Stop rushing,” he tells me.

Round 2...fight!

I feel like I rushed through the training anyway. I don’t know if I will be able to put all the pieces together. I call up Taylor minutes before the rematch. “Just remember the strats I taught you,” he says. Shoe and I start the first map. He doesn’t kill me in a split second, and I slowly start to build up confidence. Before I know it, I’m leading 7-1. I have found my eye of the tiger.

Still, when the fog of war is lifted, Shoe pinches the victory out of his ass 25-24 and dominates the second map 25-18. On the final map, Shoe’s up 24-17, but I continue to stick with what I’ve been taught. Like the sage rumblings of Obi-Wan Kenobi, my coaches’ lessons echo in my head. I’m not blind with rage and stupidly rushing out. I pick up power weapons and make him work for each kill. After the two long hours of battling Shoe, I finally get the best of my boss: I win 25-24. Cue the Rocky music. If my coaches were here, I’m sure they’d carry me on their shoulders in celebration. Well, maybe not the 7-year-old kid.

Copyright © 2005 Ziff Davis Media Inc. All Rights Reserved. Originally appearing in Electronic Gaming Monthly.